My Miseducation

I think I’m more afraid of growing up than anything else. 

Soren Kierkegaard said “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” This past year has been quite interesting at the very least; I have been broke with no job, I went down on my motorcycle, and have gotten a job, and have taken big responsibilities. I have learned a lot this past year and it’s all been quite amazing and humbling at the same time. I have learned that no matter how hard you try people will come and go, you build friendships while others deteriorate. People that once mattered no longer matter. You fall in love, outta love and then back in love. This year has been a roller coaster and for those that know me, I hate roller coasters, but I am grateful for everything that has happened this year ( good and bad). I go into the new year with hope that things will get better, that I will grow and mature. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t without a tinge of fear but that isn’t the case, I am fearful of what things will come and also excited to see what comes. I know that with each every passing day something new is learned, something changes you and you grow and you learn. I hope I make new friends, build new relationships, love, laugh and most of all truly live (cliche, lol). I’ve lived my life and understood my life backwards, this time I am ready to live it going forward. 2012, BRING IT! I am ready for you! 

Lately I have been under tremendous stress at work. You see I work for Quest, a company that makes protein bars and I’m the wholesale shipping manager. Which means I handle all the big orders that come in. Usually I’m not this stressed out, but ever since my co-worker has been on vacation I have been left with customer orders as well as wholesale. For this reason I have been feeling stretched out and angry, all the time. I have come to learn that it is hard for me to give up control and trust others for fear of things getting fucked up, to make up for it I tend to be real anal about how I want things to go. I have to be controlling. It is this reason that I feel stressed and mentally exhausted. Things at home are/have been stressful as well, especially when we are going through money crisis and I have the responsibility of paying the mortgage on the house. I don’t want to sound as if I’m complaining, that is not the case, I am pleased to know that I am keeping the roof over our heads. It’s the self-fish part of me that sometimes gets the better of me, that part keeps telling me that I am young and I deserve to save up for a new car, maybe a place of my own, hell even buy new clothes and shoes. But I have to ignore it and move on. I want to be happy and feel content with everything in my life but with the way things are at the moment, I don’t feel that way. Giving up seems so much easier and so enticing. All I can do is keep calm and breathe. And so… I breathe. 

What is it that I want in life? That’s the question my boss asked me today. My response… basically I didn’t know. I knew in my head that it dealt with money and some day owning a business; that’s all I knew. Tom, my boss is a very smart and confident man, he’s the type of man I want to be. He told me two things today that left me thinking long and hard. What he said was in order for me to get to where I want to be I have think it and put it in action. I have to believe that I am worth a million dollars, as silly as that may seem, but he’s right. I have to believe that I have worth and act like so. If I don’t believe it then it all becomes meaningless words. He also said, and he ties in to the first topic, that I have to change myself; not physically but mentally. He told me that I needed to have a code to which I need to live by and have people respect that code. I need to have self - respect for myself and know that I have worth, but before others can see that worth I have to see it and believe in it for myself. I hate that I am insecure at times and it’s something that I have to change. He told me that I have the power to become the person that I want to be, all I have to do is believe it. Dream it and act upon it. 

What’s a metamorphosis? Webster defines metamorphosis “as any complete change in appearance, character,circumstances, etc” It can relate to animals, insects, and humans. For some time now I have been sensing a change within me, a change that no matter how foreign it may feel at times, it’s a change that I find welcoming and slightly addicting. This change is a product of work… of all places, but it’s what caused this change. I feel myself becoming more confident, more assertive and much more sure of myself. At the same time, I’m also noticing that I am giving myself more value and respect for who I am and what I have to offer. By nature I am a fun loving and confident man but being home and and not having work for almost a year really affected me in my confidence level and just overall who I was. In my mind I had no value or use to anyone, but after being at work for about 2 months and taking on new responsibilities and taking on new challenges and being pushed mentally and physically; I see myself changing and growing into a different person. Physically, I see myself slimming down and feeling good about myself and as a result I am taking better care of myself and trying to live a low carb life. I only hope to continue growing as a person and see how far I can go. The metamorphosis has begun. 

There’s something about letting my mind wonder that I thoroughly enjoy. The pleasure I get from letting it roam around to whatever thought it wants to come up with. Tonight as I’m listening to Deadmau5 I can’t help but start thinking about my existence. I wonder how people’s lives would be if I didn’t exist. Would their lives be any different from what they are now? How would the lives of our parents or siblings be if we didn’t exist. To what extent do our actions affect the lives of the people we come into contact with? Up to what point do our very existence affect/change the people we love or have loved or will love? Just a random thought on a Sunday night while listening to Deadmau5. Gotta love Sunday nights. 

Ever get the feeling that things that mattered once don’t matter so much anymore? For some time now I’ve been having this feeling and I don’t know if I should care or let it be. Ever since I’ve started working, I’ve been logging on Facebook less and less. I’ve been checking my email less and less as well as logging on Tumblr. Not only has the internet world lost its’ meaning on me but things like dating and tv have also gone by the way side. Sometimes all I do is stare at the screen as if something note worthy is going to happen. You could call is laziness but I like to call it…. something else. I also find myself having a DGF attitude (for those who don’t know it means, Don’t Give a Fuck) I seem to care less and less what people say, again I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I’ve grown to appreciate my alone time as well, not to say I never have, but my appreciation for it certainly has increased. One reason for this change has been work, I’ve been working crazy long hours ever since I started. I’ve been working anywhere from 12 - 14 hour days so I come home too exhausted to check how the internet world is doing. But I’ve also felt the need to unplug from that world and just be me for a while. No noise, no I.M’s, no text messages, no nothing… just me. 

As a side note, I just took a personality test. Why I took one? Well my friend Marjani convinced me to try; she said she took it and it told her she was a INTJ which mean Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging. I’ve known her for a long time and it’s safe to say that she is an introvert. And it’s safe to say that I am too, not because the test told me so but because I’ve always been one. So I took the damn test and this is what it gave me: 44% introverted 25% intuitive 25% thinking and 11% judging.  I must say that it’s pretty spot on, again I am introvert and constantly in my head, but I’ve managed to do a good job of hiding it. I’ve always hidden my introvertedness for fear of being in a state of vulnerability or coming off as boring. But as I’m getting older I’m slowly starting to let go and accept that I am an introvert, at the same time however I am a confident and flirtatious person. I enjoy the fact that my personality consist of being an introvert and at the same time a social butterfly, but I must admit that I do enjoy my introvertedness a bit more. I am who I am and I’m awesome. It’s a fact. 

After almost being unemployed for a year I have finally found a job. The company I work for is Quest, a maker of protein bars. It’s a tough job, work long hours and hard on the body but I’m getting paid. There’s room for growth and I aim to go as far as I can and learn what I can. The voice inside me is making me doubt whether I can. I want to ignore it and keep going, but I’m fearful that at the age of 27 I’m going to get stuck doing what I’m doing; working the production line and not going any further. At the age of 27 I feel I don’t have much options to change jobs or even look for new ones. I don’t what to work hard forever, I’ve already seen what it’s done for my dad and I don’t want to end up in that same position. Another part of me, however, is telling me to keep going. I want to listen to it. I want to keep going further. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, on the contrary I’m extremely happy that I have a job and I’m finally receiving an income. But I just hope that I can truly go as far as I can within this company and make something of myself. That’s all I ask. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

Damn I miss my bike!!! I feel like part of me is missing. As if I’m half a person :’(